On Naming a Pope
by, 03-01-2013 at 05:38 AM (194 Views)
WARNING: IF YOU ARE A PERSON OF FAITH, DO NOT READ THIS. YOU WILL NOT BE AMUSED.
Possible names for the new Pope
After spending almost a full decade with a Pope named after pretentious eggs, the yet-to-be-elected prelate should think of a name that will be more in accordance with the era, and which may bring the Church more in step with modern times (or at least into the early 1900´s). Some possible ideas for a new papal name:
Pope Gene. We are still very far away from electing a Female Pope (Popette?) but by using a name that can be used by both male and females, the church could start preparing the path towards electing a woman for its highest office, circa the 4th millennium.
Pope John 2.0. John has been a verifiably reliable name for Popes that lack any kind of imagination. The last one named only that (forget the GianPaolo´s) was Mr. 23, which made it fairly irrelevant (who was Mr. 22?). So perhaps to start a new sequence the new Pope could choose IT terminology this time.
Sunny Side Pope. Just to keep with the Ovum Taxonomy theme. Depending on how Topsy-turvy his papacy is expected, he could even cut some corners and elect Scrambled Pope as a moniker.
Pope Cheney. In case the church decides to elect another angry white male criminal. It would bring an aura of honesty to the gang, er, chair.
Pope Mohammed. A gesture of endearment towards that other company that has a monopoly on Truth.
Pope Pi (with the symbol). If we could have (albeit for a while) The Artist Formerly Known as Prince, represented by a weird symbol, why not have a Pope represented by another symbol? Besides, it would also make it clear that the whole thing is actually irrational.
Pope-ye. Just a little Olive Oil and we could have our first married pontiff.
Pope Billy Bob. In case you elect an American Pope. It would give him a legs-up on accepting the consecration of Oreos.
Pope Simba. And if you elect an African Pope…
Pope Pancho: The first Latino Pope, with a handle bar mustache, please.
Pope Ular. He probably won’t be, but might as well give it a try.
Pope Giovanni. You can skip the Ave Maria´s and go with Mozart´s immortal opera: “Pope Gio-va-nniiii, Mal-ediiiic-tus…” What was that? Giovanni IS John in Italian? Ok, carry on.
And really, nowadays only one name will do:
The iPope. The church needs to make itself more accessible to new generations. With a name like The iPope, younger people can relate more to the holder of power in the Vatican. The possibility for technological spin-offs would also be greatly augmented, with some possible examples being apps such as WhatsPope, Angry Popes and HolyFacebook. Last: cardinals could be called iPope Nanos.